Naming nitty gritty

Name thieves

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Reader Anna posted a story to my Facebook wall today — one of Abby’s Name Sage posts on Nameberry that had gotten quite a bit of feedback: Baby Name Theft? Sibling rivalry over a name.

This is the issue:

“I have always loved the name Josephine, called Josie or Jo. My sister likes it, too. She doesn’t have kids yet, but really wants them. To be considerate, I asked if she was okay with us using Josephine for this baby. She said it was fine.

My husband and I decided to use the name. [Their older daughter] calls her sister Josephine, and we’ve been referring to the baby by name, though we haven’t officially announced it.

Just recently, my sister told me that she’d changed her mind, and she wants to keep Josephine for herself. Now she’s not speaking to me.

We don’t want to change the name. It fits for many personal reasons, and it’s the name we both love. Yet now when I hear it, I feel frustrated and sad.”

Oof! So maddening! So unfair! So ridiculous! I’m certain all of us can understand the mama’s perspective (who’s actually pregnant, actually expecting an actual baby who actually needs an actual name in the actual near future), but I’m sure even the most laid-back among us can imagine the sister’s perspective as well. What a dilemma!

I love that the expecting parents showed consideration and asked the sister for her permission (for lack of a better word) — we did this also with one of our boys. I hate that the sister said okay, and then changed her mind after the decision was already made. I hate that the sister isn’t speaking to the mom. I hate that the once-beloved, perfect name now evokes anger, frustration, and sadness.

I posted once about naming “dibs” and included a bunch of links that I thought were useful. Given that we add the element of faith to our name discussions, I think we might all agree that relationships are, objectively, more important than names? This is something I try to keep in mind myself, though I know I’m more laid back about this particular issue than a lot of other namiacs. I also feel like we can all intellectually agree that no one owns a particular name, so the idea of “name theft” is somewhat misleading. There are also a zillion other names (and Abby had some awesome suggestions for this couple). I also don’t at all mind the idea of first cousins having the same name, and I think I would love the challenge of coming up with different nicknames.

But. I also know that this can be a hugely emotional topic (especially for emotional pregnant ladies! I’m sacrificing my body, my hormones, my sleep, and my comfort for this baby, let me have my name!), which can override any objective understandings of anything. And relationships are more important than names, but it doesn’t sound like the sister in this situation agrees, and it’s hard to have a good relationship with someone who refuses to play by loving-relationship rules, and who insists on behaving in a way that feels traitorous, petty, and selfish (and I can see how both the sister and the mama could feel this way about the other). But then we’re supposed to rise above and do the right thing regardless. Gah! What a mess.

My dibs post is almost two years old, so let’s revisit it — what are your thoughts/reactions to the Nameberry post? Any personal stories you’d like to share?

New article up at CatholicMom!

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My October column posted today! Check it out: Reclaim the Name.

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I drew heavily from my Reclaim the name post of a while ago in putting together the ten names I listed in the article that I’d like to see be reclaimed, and though there were quite a lot to choose from, I focused on the most Catholicky Catholic ones. A couple of the names actually *are* well used — just that I hear some people have a hard time getting past particular associations that I would love to see overridden. I’d be interested to hear your thoughts on the ten I chose, and any others you would add!

Naming after women

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I spent a few minutes in the Baby Name Wizard discussion forums this morning as I ate my breakfast, and saw a comment containing a sentiment that I see with some regularity over there and that kind of irks me every time I see it:

“I think it’s totally lovely to honor a mother with a name for a change (I know lots of men who name their sons after themselves, either as juniors outright or using variant forms or middle names, but very few women who do so).”

I don’t even disagree with the comment! I know it’s more common for a dad to have a son named after himself than for a mom to have a daughter named after herself. And the commenter herself is one I highly respect, as her thoughts are *always* well balanced and fair. But I feel testy and defensive when I see things like “honor a mother with a name for a change” and “lots of men who name their sons after themselves” — probably because I feel like it’s a tentacle of a whole “down with the patriarchy!” thought process that usually includes the “old men in white hats in Rome.” Blah.

Anyway, my contrarian Rome-loving self immediately thought of lots of examples, old and new, of people (babies and olders) being named after women. My mom, for one example, was half named for her mom (I saw “half” because her mom’s name was Anne, and my grandfather wanted to name my mom Anne — imagine that! A man! Wanting to name his baby girl after his beloved wife! But my grandmother wanted to name her one of the names-of-the-day: Susan. So they compromised with Susanne). My sister has my mom’s name as one of her middle names. My paternal grandfather was given his mom’s maiden name as a first name. Before I had so many boys, I’d always planned to work one or more elements of my name into one or more of my daughters’ names.

Moving farther afield from moms naming daughters after themselves, my youngest son’s first name is for my mother-in-law and his middle name for my mom. Julianamama shared that she knows a dad with a great devotion to St. Margaret who named his son Garrett after her! (I died when I read that! Brilliant!)

I’ve done two posts (On my bookshelf: A Dictionary of English Surnames and Girl names turned surnames) highlighting how various surnames are originally metronymics (identifying a person by his or her mother), or diminutives of female first names that became surnames, or perhaps arising from religious devotion to a female saint — like Marriot (from Mary), Ebbetts (from Isabel), Scollas (from Scholastica, specifically for St. Scholastica, according to Reaney & Wilson), and Emmett (from Emma). All of these would be fine and interesting for a child to be named, and they’re all feminine in origin (even if the parents don’t realize it or it wasn’t their intent). And I did a couple posts on current men religious who took their Mother Mary’s name as part of their new religious names: Eleven new Dominican priests and Men Who Love Mary: MFVA (a whole Order of men who take Mary as part of their new name! And one had Therese as well!), never mind all the male saints with Mary in their names: St. Clement Mary/Maria Hofbauer (depending on what you’re reading), St. Maximilian Mary/Maria Kolbe, St. Anthony Mary Claret, St. Jean Marie Vianney, St. Josemaria Escriva … who else?

I’d love to know what stories you all have of moms naming their daughters or sons after themselves or similar family stories, and whether you know any Brothers or Priests with female saints’ names, or boys who have taken a female saint’s name for a Confirmation name. It’s not all oppression, people. (I’m done ranting now. 🙂 )

 

 

Naming for difficult family members?

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A reader asked me this question,

“What do you think about family names that the person/persons have had a rough life/difficult personality? I really want to use family names but there are a few names in our family tree that almost seem… how do I say it… to have issues attached to it? On one hand this is our family and heritage and the names are of wonderful saints and are great names, on the other hand, the name evokes at least for me, negative or stressful feelings, even though I may love the person… What are your thoughts?“

I thought this was such a sweet and sincere question — a good example of trying to make the best of what (and who) we’re given. Family dynamics can be ah-MAZing! And also the worst ever!

On the one hand, I think doing something like using the name of a particular family member can go far in repairing relationships and even mindsets towards those people, if that makes sense. And hearing the name of a beloved baby over and over again in a loving and safe environment might really help soften hearts toward the original name-bearer, which I think is a good thing (reconciliation and peace of any kind, even small, is a step in the right direction, right?). Almost like an act of charity? On the other hand though, if you think giving the name of a difficult person to your child would have a negative impact on your relationship with your child, or other family members’ relationships with your child, and the child’s view of his/her worth and standing in the family, then I do think that’s a serious consideration.

It’s definitely something that needs to be prayerfully considered on a case-by-case basis. I do love the idea though that, as in the reader’s case above where she actively wants to honor her family and heritage and it sounds like she loves some of the names belonging to people who give her “negative or stressful feelings,” that giving one’s child the name of a difficult relative is sort of an easy thing to do — an easy act of love or reconciliation. Even if you can’t bear to be around the family member too frequently or for too long, your child’s name bears witness to the decision to love.

What do you all think? I’m sure there are some doozy stories among you about this topic — just remember it’s a public blog and nothing published here is private!

Nickname issues, and name discernment/being “at odds with the Holy Spirit”

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I had a really interesting email from a reader, and she’s eager to hear what you all think! She writes,

“I’ve read your post on name regret, and I was wondering if you had ever considered doing a post on name discernment. My husband and I have a name we both like for our first child (due in 10 weeks!), except I cannot stand the nickname variant! Bad associations I guess. There are many great reasons to use this name, and it feels right in so many ways with all the connections we have with it, particularly when compared to our other frontrunners (which we both like quite a bit, but don’t feel as right). However, we cannot get over the nickname impasse with this original name — he doesn’t like the idea of using the full name or alternate nicknames on a regular basis, and I don’t think I could see using the traditional nickname. Have people ever run into this type of situation? Did they go with the name that felt most right, even if they didn’t like it, per se? Trust in the Holy Spirit and hope you grow to like it? With this being our first, I’m just not sure what to think.”

Interesting questions, right? I really see it breaking down into two questions: (1) How do we handle using a formal name that we both love that has seemingly inevitable nickname issues that we can’t agree on? And, as this mama put it later in her email, (2) What did you do if you ever had a time when your “preferences were perhaps at odds with the Holy Spirit”?

I gave this mama my own thoughts to No. 1, which were basically along the lines of “if you go with the name they both like — which seems to be, from her email, just what they’re feeling called to — the rest of it will shake out.” Do you agree? Do you have experiences of your own like this?

As for No. 2, I’m interested to see what you all will say! I’ve had experiences myself where things happened that seemed to make obvious what the baby’s name was *supposed* to be, things just fell in place in a really providential way, and it was kind of thrilling to really feel like we’d done it — we’d found the name that was meant just for him! And we know there are times when God actually does say, “This is what the baby’s name will be.” (Jesus.) But at the same time, I also think that God uses our preferences and tastes and styles for His purposes, so that second question gets kind of tricky, and I can totally see it setting up a situation where name regret might occur. And it’s all based so much on feelings — which name feels right and which doesn’t — and feelings can definitely be helpful, but they can also be wrong and/or misleading. Also, being “at odds with the Holy Spirit” sounds very grave, but in regards to naming one’s baby, I don’t think it’s quite as heavy or binding. After all, as Pope Francis said in Amoris Laetitia, “For God allows parents to choose the name by which he himself will call their child for all eternity.” (166)

So lots to think about here, and we’d love to hear your thoughts! I’ve done a few other posts that kind of swirl around this topic as well and which might be helpful — they’re listed in this post.

Updated to add: How timely! I was just catching up on email, and one of you wonderful readers sent me the link to this article: One in five mothers say they chose wrong name for their child, poll finds. It was definitely an interesting read, and my biggest takeaway was that sometimes name regret happens and there’s not much that can be done about it (e.g., little girls named Isis and Elsa just before those names took on huge obvious associations, or kids that grew up to dislike their names), which I feel like might help reduce the stress associated with picking the *right* name, since sometimes it’s taken right out of your hands, no matter what precautions you take. Rather than being a terrifying thought, it’s kind of a soothing one to me! So just pray and do the best you can.

Number names 2.0

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Abby at Appellation Mountain posted a piece at Nameberry today on number names (I should’ve realized that her tweets likely indicated the topic was brewing in her mind, but I didn’t even think of it) — definitely check it out, she has a lot of better ideas than mine! Numeric Baby Names: Una, Ivy and Octavia: Counting from Una to Eleven

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[I apologize to all the people waiting for an email back from me! This is the first week of school and I’m just now starting to catch my breath. Soon!]

Happy Birthday Mother Mary!! My bishop tweeted the greatest thought today: “Mary’s birth is the dawn of hope, humanity’s second chance.” A perfect thought not only for Our Lady’s birthday, but also for the Year of Mercy! ❤

Ages ago (like, back in January) Krista asked for a post about number names, and it’s been on my mind ever since. I’d had a rough idea of doing so around the first day of school — you know, ‘rithmetic and all — and then Abby at Appellation Mountain and I tweeted a bit the past few days (in response to a Haley Stewart tweet) about number names, so it’s definitely time to do this.

I was thinking of all…

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Number names

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[I apologize to all the people waiting for an email back from me! This is the first week of school and I’m just now starting to catch my breath. Soon!]

Happy Birthday Mother Mary!! My bishop tweeted the greatest thought today: “Mary’s birth is the dawn of hope, humanity’s second chance.” A perfect thought not only for Our Lady’s birthday, but also for the Year of Mercy! ❤

Ages ago (like, back in January) Krista asked for a post about number names, and it’s been on my mind ever since. I’d had a rough idea of doing so around the first day of school — you know, ‘rithmetic and all — and then Abby at Appellation Mountain and I tweeted a bit the past few days (in response to a Haley Stewart tweet) about number names, so it’s definitely time to do this.

I was thinking of all the number-named people I know of and came up with a good few (both real and fictional):

I pretty much love all of these! As I told Abby, I like number names, and really, as soon as they’re used as a name, they become really namey to me. It reminds me of something name expert Cleveland Kent Evans was quoted as saying in Joal Ryan’s 1999 book (one of my favorite favorites) Puffy, Xena, Quentin, Uma:

“Science fiction likes to tell the grim tale of a world so dehumanized that names are eschewed with numbers and serial codes [Stranger Things y’all!]. Cody, say hello to your new classmate: THX 1138.

Well, the future is here and the question is: Do baby names really stand a chance of becoming obsolete? 

No, says Bellevue University psychology professor Cleveland Evans, a longtime student and chronicler of the history and trends of American given names.

‘People are never going to use their social security number as their name,’ Evans says. ‘I’m sure there may be some numbers that become names — I wouldn’t be surprised if I started hearing of Seven of Nines (after the Star Trek: Voyager TV character). But once you do that, it’s not a number — it becomes a name.'” (pp. 367-368)

“But once you do that, it’s not a number — it becomes a name.” Right! Like, in our world, Sixtus — popes and saints! (Actually, funny enough, apparently it doesn’t even mean “sixth”! Except that it does, through usage and intention.)

So what other number names/nicknames are there? This is a selection of what I found (I searched by meaning on Behind the Name — lots of names in unfamiliar languages that mean “seventh son” and so forth, so if you want something really unusual be sure to search!) or have heard/came up with:

One/First
Mona, Primo/Primus, Primrose, Proteus, Winona; Onesimus could also maybe work (because of “one” contained within, though it doesn’t mean one/first), or Una (also doesn’t mean one), any “I” name

Two/Second
Duet (my own idea — sounds pretty, right? Like any of the -ette names? Do you think it works?), Secundus/a

Three/Third
Hirune (Basque for trinity!), Tercero, Tertia (I like this one — reminds me a bit of Teresa), Tertius, Treasa (used as an Irish form of Teresa), Tri, Trey, Trip, Tripper, Trinity

Four/Fourth
Cuatro, Four (a la Divergent), Quattro, Ivy (because of IV)

Five/Fifth
Pompey/Pompeius, Pontius (yikes), Quint, Quintus, Quintella, Quinten, Quentin, Quincy, Quintillian, and other Quin- names that don’t actually have anything to do with five/fifth except in appearance: Quin(n), Quinlan, and V names (or the name Vee)

Six/Sixth
Six, Sixt, Sextus/Sixtus (I definitely think Sixtus is more wearable), and those that contain “six” but don’t mean six: Sixte, Sixten, Sixtine (I really love Sixten!), and VI initials

Seven/Seventh
September (yes! a sneaky seven, that!), Septimus/a, Seven

Eight/Eighth
Keightlyn/KVIIIlyn (!), Octavia/Tavia, Octavius, Octavian, Tavian

Nine/Ninth
Nona, Nonus, Nuno/a, November (see September!), and unrelated to nine: Nonie, Nonna

Ten/Tenth
December, Dixie, Declan (because of the dec- — I saw this somewhere once and thought it was so clever), Tennyson (because of the ten-), Decimus/a, any X- name (Xavier, Xenia)

Eleven/Eleventh
Eleven/El/Elle, XI initials

What do you all think of these? What else can you add? I’m especially interested to hear what else you’ve heard in real life!

Names for things

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My 4-year-old declared the other day that his two “blankies” now have names: Leo and Isaac. Not only do I love hearing what my boys name their loveys (usually only stuffed animals — this was my first experience with blankets!), but I particularly loved Leo and Isaac! What a distinguished and saintly pair! My third boy’s stuffed seahorse from when he was tiny was the similarly sophisticated Baby Harold and my oldest’s stuffed pup was appropriately named Biscuit, but it has not always been so: my second boy’s pretty notorious for naming his un-alive friends funny things like Bandaids (yes, plural) and Primary (which I thought was sort of brilliant), and the same boy who named Isaac and Leo has always called his stuffed lamb D2.

Just today, Barb from CatholicMom told me that her car’s name is Maxine as a “nod to “Uncle Max” St. Kolbe” — I loved that! It reminded me of my idea that Ratzinger would be a great name for a cat and one of you said it would be great for a German Shepherd as well! Ahhhh I love both of those ideas!! 😄 Those comments were actually in response to a post that included ideas for saintly/faithy names for a puppy, and I’ve talked a very wee bit about naming houses with Kendra in response to her comment here on her post about her new house with it’s awesome name, and today I’d love to hear what you and/or your kiddos are naming your things — from stuffed animals to other loveys to cars to houses to …? Computers? What else? Bonus points for faith connections, but I’d love to hear them all regardless!

Names: Olympic and adoption

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Sabrina requested the other day that I write about Olympic names, so she (and any of you who are interested) will be happy to know I just submitted my August CatholicMom column, which will post next Wednesday — all about Olympic names! So sorry you have to wait until then to read it, but in the meantime I’d love to know what names are your favorites of these 2016 Summer Olympics (I was tweeting a bit the other night about some of the ones I loved: here, here, here, here).

Secondly, I had a request to write about names for adopted children — I plan to do some research and write a fuller post and/or article, but I’d also like your feedback on this if you have any experience with it. What issues do adoptive parents need to aware of? Any other advice?

Thanks! 😀

When do you name your baby and why?

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Such an interesting conversation yesterday! You all had such great thoughts! I’ll be definitely be musing on this for a while …

I have another question for you all today! A mama I did a consultation for recently who’s expecting her first baby asked:

“I’m also curious about the differences in naming a baby before he’s born and naming him after you see him. In some ways, I’m anxious for him to have a name, but in other ways I keep thinking I need to see him to know what his name is, you know?“

My husband and I have always decided on our babies’ names during the pregnancy, and then that was the baby’s name, so I didn’t feel like I had a great answer for her. But I know it’s really common to wait to see the baby before deciding on a name, so I’d love to hear especially from any of you who waited to see your baby before deciding on a name. Did you have two (or more) finalists that you intended to choose between based on which seemed the best fit for your new baby?

For those of you who thought you had the name nailed down, only to meet your baby and decide it wasn’t quite right at all — what was that like? Did you have a backup name just in case, or did you have to scramble and start over?

Do you have any other advice for this first-time mom?